I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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