Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Randomize
