I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
