4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
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