Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
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