he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
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