remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
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