I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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