I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I didn't shave. On purpose
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
