My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
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