How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Randomize
