There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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