she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
