Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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