Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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