after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
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