You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
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