Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
