my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
