he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
