I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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