Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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