This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
even my farts smell like vagina
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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