In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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