I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
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