If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
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