Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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