She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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