my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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