guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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