there's paper in my vomit.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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