Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
