so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
my poor anus
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
