i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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