If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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