things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
i drank out of a bidet.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
