He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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