When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
