And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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