the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
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