I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
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