he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
