Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
