ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
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