Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Randomize
