i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
The best revenge is premature balding
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
He felt like a one man threesome
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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