ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
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