I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
