1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
you made out with another girl for some wings
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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