I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Randomize
