I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
