hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Randomize
